Tonight we did something very unusual for us (uh huh…) and went out to dinner because we were too lazy to make something at home. Well, okay, I actually have a little better excuse than that.

You see a couple of months ago we started replicating this dish at home that we sometimes get out for lunch on the weekends at a place called Cafe Yumm. They make these, well, um, “yummy” (gee, do you think that’s where they go the name from?) rice bowls that are disguised as healthy with brown rice, avocado, tomato, olives, cilantro, a dollop (love that word) of sour cream, some salsa…. That is, until they add about a cup of the main ingredient, which is their special “Yumm” sauce. And oh, it’s yummy alright. Yummy, and chock full of fat. I’ve been afraid to look at the fat content, but it’s safe to say that it’s scarier than Zach when he’s missed a dose of his Prozac.

And oh-so-conveniently, they sell this tasty stuff by the gallon at the register where you order your food. So, of course a while back we decide to buy some. Not the gallon-size, but the small one…I actually don’t know what size it is…so we could start making our own rice bowls at home for dinner. The good thing is that this super special “Yumm” sauce goes a long way, so you can actually put a teaspoon on and still get a good dose of flavor. (Not that my husband has tested this theory, but I have.) That and several squirts of my Weight Watchers secret weapon Sriracha sauce and I’m good to go! So love that stuff.

So anyway, last Sunday at the store I buy all the fixins’ for rice bowls with the intent of making them for myself and the Burplings on Monday or Tuesday night when Jeff was traveling. Except that I get home to find that we are out of the “Yumm” sauce. Say what???? No can do, amigo. So, instead I’m forced to play the single mother card and feed my children Cheerios for dinner. (Seriously, that was going to be a whole blog post last night except that I was too tired to write.) Enter this afternoon and a sadly all-too-typical afternoon conversation between Jeff and myself via email or phone. It’s totally interchangeable, but today it happened to be me who started the conversation:

Me: So, what do you want to do for dinner tonight?

Jeff: I don’t know. (Man of few words.)

Me: Well, you know I bought the stuff for rice bowls but we are still out of Yumm sauce.

Jeff: Oh.

Me: Uh huh.

Jeff: Well, should we just get takeout?

Me: I think so.

However, being the efficient parents that we are, we decided to take care of two things at once and go to dinner at Cafe Yumm. Brilliant, I know! Plus, they even sell wine and beer there so it meets our basic eating out criteria.

Okay, so believe it or not, Cafe Yumm and their fatty sauce was not even the real point of this post. What the real point is, is that the whole way home Ian was bugging Jeff about being able to eat a Dum Dum (who thought that was a good product name, by the way?) he somehow got from after-school care, I think. (Like how I have no idea where my child gets candy from?) Finally, Jeff tells him when we get home that he can have it before he comes upstairs for a bath. So Jeff and Elena head upstairs and I’m doing something probably super important like checking Facebook and Ian is sitting at the counter with his little lollipop sticking out of mouth and comes up with this:

Ian: Look, I’m smoking!

Me: What did you say?????????????

Ian: I’m smoking!

Me, being the tactful parent I am who never fails to mince words because I don’t really know the “right” thing to say to a five-year-old responds: You know that smoking kills people, right?

Ian: It does??

Me: Yes, it contains chemicals that make you very sick and you can die.

Ian: Well, I’m never going to smoke then!

Mission accomplished. For tonight. But seriously, where does this stuff come from? The kid’s been in kindergarten for like a week and already I’m having to convince him that smoking kills. This does not bode well for next month. And already, earlier on the way home Jeff and I had to defend ourselves against run-ins with law enforcement, which went something like this:

Ian: Dad, have you ever been “caughten” (he’s still working on his past tense) by the police?

Jeff: What do you mean?

Ian: Like, gone to jail or something?

Jeff: No, I’ve never gone to jail.

Ian: How about a bad ticket for doing something you shouldn’t be doing?

Jeff: No, well, um, there was that one time…

Ian: Oh, that’s not good, Dad! Mommy, how about you? Have you ever gotten a ticket for being bad?

Me: I’ve had two speeding tickets. (Yes, it’s true – one on the New Jersey Turnpike driving to New York and one on Eight Mile Road in Stockton driving to Melissa’s parents’ house while we were home from college for the summer.)

Ian: Oh. Well, how about jail?

Me: No, no jail time. Yet. (Just kidding, I didn’t say that second part.)

Ian: Well, I hope you guys never go to jail!

Jeff: Us, too. We’ll try and stay out of jail.

Me (in my head): After all, who would feed you your quesadilla and Cheerios? Or pay for your second breakfast at school?? (Topic for yet another post.)

Ian: And I promise that I’m never going to get arrested.

Me (in my head): Where is a tape recorder when I need one?

Ian (under his breath): Well, actually I might go to jail sometime.

Me (in my head): This is becoming less amusing by the second. Are we home yet?